My worst enemy.

It’s in my head. And resistance seems to be futile.

It has always been there, for as long as I can remember. In every moment of my life, in every success (“you are ridiculous”, “this is nothing”), in every fail (“this is what you deserve”, “why do you try?”). Always. According to it, I am not worthy of nice things, but deserving of all the not-so-nice ones.

At first, I didn’t even notice what it was doing to me, I just assumed it was right. But when I realised, I tried to fight back. It doesn’t work. No matter how many times I shushed it, how many times I answer back “You are wrong, stop being mean.” and turn away; the squeaky and annoying voice in my head always manages to sneak in again and pull me back down with the robes it keeps tied around my ankles. It feels like a black hole opening inside my chest, it feels as it will swallow me whole.

I have made progress, even managed to move to the city I wanted and am really trying to build a life here. The squeaky and annoying voice followed me, though. It’s right here. It constantly repeats that I am good for nothing, that what I do have is actually a lie.

“Haha! You pronounced that word wrong!”
“See? That sentence was wrong, that person must be laughing at you so much right now.”
“How could you made that silly mistake! And in your first meeting, you’re so ridiculous!”
“Delete that, you are just being annoying.”

I thought I was doing fairly well, until two weeks ago. It came out of nowhere, but in full force. It knocked me sideways, and I’m not over it. Ever since that Monday, it’s a daily struggle. A scary, sad and tearful struggle. I wake up, starting the day with some meditation because I do really want to get out of bed and try. It is always trying. Yoda would be very disappointed with me – but here, his “Do. Or do not. There is no try.” doesn’t apply. I get up and carry on with my day as best I possibly can, until I can’t anymore. And when I can’t anymore, mentally exhausted for the constant fighting, the squeaky and annoying voice – fresh and smug – starts its counter-attack.

And I am deeply sorry if I have bothered anyone. It is not my intention. Sometimes I am too tired, and seek friendlier words than the ones I constantly hear from this squeaky and annoying voice.

 

“But why would you say something? No one cares! You are just a whiny silly girl.”

 

Real layers.

When you move far away from home, from what you’ve known for 28 years, it is very easy to lose yourself. Not in the literal sense – although that is bound to happen too. It is easy to question your motives, to doubt your strength and to be on the verge of giving up. It is the perfect opportunity to know yourself, too. To really get to know yourself inside out, to accept who you are, to realise what you really want, and to open your mind and your heart. To become real.

I have two rings that keep the promises I made to myself in the front of my mind. I got a Wonder Woman keychain to remind myself that I am doing something very brave and that I should be very proud of myself at all times. I have tokens, and I have what matters, too. I like to keep my friends close and talk to them constantly about everything and anything because I value those friendships and the time they all take to talk to me and be my friends. I love and miss my family, but still have them a text away. I cherish that. I also have something sporadic. It doesn’t happen often, but there are some nice words here and there that, to me, are something meaningful because I feel lucky. An addition to a life already filled with all the positive things that I love. And I have all these things because I am real. By being real, I have become special. By keeping things real and treating every single person I encounter as real people, things have fallen into place naturally. As a dear friend said: “It’s about building the layers of your life.”

IWD or why I didn’t give up.

When I woke up this morning and realised what we celebrate today, I started to think of a list of all the women I admire and love dearly, but I don’t want to forget anyone. That’s the problem with having so many wonderful women in my life: I lost count. But as a friend says, I felt the need to commemorate today somehow.

To the dear friends that talk me through my bad moments, to the wonderful women I want to be like in the future, to the ones that make me laugh, and stop over-thinking, and breath, and just live. To those three that raised me, shaped me, loved me and encouraged me. To the ones I lust over, to the ones I’ve read about and applauded. To all the women that have changed me somehow: happy International Women Day.

 

May my laughter remain.

Don’t worry that your life is turning upside down. How do you know that the side you are used to is better than the one to come?

Maulana Jalaluddin Rumi

On October 15th, 2013 I left Barcelona to pursue a life-long dream: living and working in London. Four months later, I am still here. Right now, I am a live-in nanny in South London to a very nice family and their beautiful dog. I have my own attic room and too much free time. It is not a glamorous life, and trying to find your place in a city like this is more difficult than you could ever imagine. But I am not ready to give up just yet.

And it isn’t only about finding a proper job and finding your place: life in general gets more and more complicated when you try to be a honest adult. The lessons you are taught by time and experiences are very hard to digest sometimes, and they surprise you in any turn of the road when you less expect them.

I think I have changed more in the last four months than I’ve changed in years.

But at least I have one very clear goal: to be able to walk down the street with my head held high, without any shame or regret, and a very big smile.