It’s in my head. And resistance seems to be futile.
It has always been there, for as long as I can remember. In every moment of my life, in every success (“you are ridiculous”, “this is nothing”), in every fail (“this is what you deserve”, “why do you try?”). Always. According to it, I am not worthy of nice things, but deserving of all the not-so-nice ones.
At first, I didn’t even notice what it was doing to me, I just assumed it was right. But when I realised, I tried to fight back. It doesn’t work. No matter how many times I shushed it, how many times I answer back “You are wrong, stop being mean.” and turn away; the squeaky and annoying voice in my head always manages to sneak in again and pull me back down with the robes it keeps tied around my ankles. It feels like a black hole opening inside my chest, it feels as it will swallow me whole.
I have made progress, even managed to move to the city I wanted and am really trying to build a life here. The squeaky and annoying voice followed me, though. It’s right here. It constantly repeats that I am good for nothing, that what I do have is actually a lie.
“Haha! You pronounced that word wrong!”
“See? That sentence was wrong, that person must be laughing at you so much right now.”
“How could you made that silly mistake! And in your first meeting, you’re so ridiculous!”
“Delete that, you are just being annoying.”
I thought I was doing fairly well, until two weeks ago. It came out of nowhere, but in full force. It knocked me sideways, and I’m not over it. Ever since that Monday, it’s a daily struggle. A scary, sad and tearful struggle. I wake up, starting the day with some meditation because I do really want to get out of bed and try. It is always trying. Yoda would be very disappointed with me – but here, his “Do. Or do not. There is no try.” doesn’t apply. I get up and carry on with my day as best I possibly can, until I can’t anymore. And when I can’t anymore, mentally exhausted for the constant fighting, the squeaky and annoying voice – fresh and smug – starts its counter-attack.
And I am deeply sorry if I have bothered anyone. It is not my intention. Sometimes I am too tired, and seek friendlier words than the ones I constantly hear from this squeaky and annoying voice.
“But why would you say something? No one cares! You are just a whiny silly girl.”